Wake Up Call - I'm In Danger

Holy moly, it's been forever! And I can assure you, I didn't finish that 30 Day Shred I posted about last time. I'm going to be real here: I have no workout willpower. I have no follow through when it comes to diet or exercise. There are so many great bloggers out there saying, "Just do it, just do it. You can do it, I did it!" I read them and think, "Yeah, I'll work out today!" But then, I'm tired. Or I have a headache. Or I want to watch Sherlock.  Are we in the same boat here?

Last weekend, I had an epiphany. Actually, it was more of a wake-up call. I went to the gynecologist and after our annual intimate moment, she had a very frank conversation with me. VERY FRANK.

The thing is, as an overweight person, no one tells you you're overweight. You know it and everyone knows you know it, so no one (besides maybe the occasional douchebag) feels the need to tell you. Even doctors. So, when your gynecologist takes off her gloves and says, "We need to talk," your heart drops into your stomach. And when she says, "You are wildly overweight and are at highly increased risk for at least a dozen conditions," you wish you were invisible.

She talked, I made excuses, she called on my excuses, I cried. I left feeling like shit. But something she had said kept popping up in my head. "Think of all the negative energy you expend on yourself everyday. Getting dressed, taking a shower, walking up the stairs, eating food you know is bad for you. Imagine not having that. For the rest of your life. You're young and if you make these lifestyle changes in the next year or two, they will stick with you forever."

So, after I texted my best friend and cried in my car, I went home, changed, and went to the gym. I spent 35 minutes on the elliptical, did some thigh work, and crunches. Later that day, I went to Disneyland and logged over 10,000 more steps on my fitbit. And at the end of the day, I felt great about myself.

The next day was tougher - I was sore and I made some bad food choices. But I journaled about it at the end of the day and made a pledge to do better the next day. And for the two days since then, I've made good food choices and gone to the gym - getting in at least 2 miles and 30 minutes of cardio each time.

Rationally, I can see that they key is to change my lifestyle, not just go on a diet. To incorporate activity and healthy eating into my everyday life in such a way that it just becomes "eating" not "healthy eating." And I'm working on it for now. But I'm not one of those "Just get off the couch!" bloggers. Because I know it's not that easy for everyone. For me, being overweight is rooted in lots of emotional issues and so far, the only thing that's really gotten through to me is the real danger of significant health issues. I hope you find what gets through to you - I can refer you to my gynecologist if you want some tough love.

Begin.

This is it, here we go.

I'm doing this again. Embarking on a journey. Starting down a path. Getting f**king sick and tired of my facebook photos.

In January 2010, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and put on a C-PAP machine. That was my lowest point emotionally - and my highest weight, at 240. I was SO scared of that future. So, I joined Jenny Craig and by July, I had lost 40 pounds. By October, I was down to 185. Over the next few months, I tried so hard to get below 180, but I couldn't do it. And in 2011, I went off the plan, stopped working out, and totally screwed up.

Since then, I've been pretending it's not as bad as it is. But two weeks ago, I weighed myself and I was back to 220. TWO TWENTY. I can't do this anymore: untagging myself from every picture on facebook, hating everything I put on in the mornings, worrying that everytime I eat pancakes, someone is thinking" God, look at the fat girl put those away!"

I've said it before, but I'm saying it again. I'm done. This is not an easy road. I've been in therapy, I know where my dragons lie. But I want to live my life! I want to fall in love again, and have babies, and go zip lining. I want to never say no to something again because I'm worried how I'll look doing it.

So, this is day one of week two. I lost 1 pound in week one. Which is about 2 pounds less than I hoped for. But, I also tracked less than 2 hours of activity. So, like the picture says...